Overthinking

Monday, 26 March 2018

Sometimes it feels like I’m the only one who overthinks every little detail of every little thing I say or do. I know I’m not, but it feels like it. The worst part of it is that I do it even when I know it’s stupid. Like logically I know it makes no sense to worry about certain minuscule insignificant things or about things that are not yet here and won’t happen for months but I just can’t help it. For example, I just recently was told that I shouldn’t worry about having two presentations on the same day. No big deal, right? GUESS WHAT? IT’S NOT THAT EASY, PEOPLE.

Let me tell you the story, not the whole thing though, just the bit that matters because that was a rough day. Anyway, recently, in class, I was put in a group of people I know but that I’ve never really talked with that much. They’re really nice people though so I was okay with joining the group. Right, then after discussing our project topic we had to pick a presentation date. Everyone was set on one. Everyone but me. I already had another presentation that day, one that has been bothering me since February, one that I have to prepare so much for because I’ll have to speak for 3 minutes straight without any sort of material support. But they didn't know how consuming this presentation is for me, both physically and mentally.

So, back to the group, when they asked if that date was okay for everyone I said that I already had another presentation that day. So, everyone looked at each other and then at me and one of them told me ‘well, you don’t really have to study for that, you just have to show up and speak’. Like, really? I know that person didn’t know how much this would affect me so I’m really not mad at them, but wow. I don’t know, it just made me think. It made me question why am I like this? Is it really that easy for most people? Is that what feels like to live without anxiety? Without constantly worrying about everything? You just show up, do your thing and leave? No battling against your thoughts every day? No going over everything you have to say over and over again until you are not even sure of yourself anymore? No worrying about what others will think about? Damn. I wish I knew how that felt, just for once. I really do. Overthinking is exhausting and it hurts.

Anyway, I obviously ended up saying I was okay with doing it that day because well, it wouldn’t have been fair on my part to disagree anyway since I was the only one not okay with the date but whatever. And I also don’t like confrontation so yeah. The thing is, I wish I could’ve happily brushed it off and forget about it. Instead, whilst on the outside, I was smiling and saying ‘yes you’re right, it doesn’t matter’, on the inside I was full on panicking. Trying to convince myself that I’d be fine doing two presentations a day. The one I’ve mentioned before, which is like a debate thing, and this other one that, guess what? Is in front of a class of 100 people with a professor that just likes to question everything. Sure, I’ll be fine, haha.

Like I’ve said before, logically I know I’ll be fine (*touch wood*). But, that just won’t stop me/my brain from overthinking about it. I can forget about it from time to time but the thought is always there at the back of my mind. I keep going back to it and driving myself crazy just thinking about what will happen. Because I don’t want to fail my classes for a presentation. I won’t allow that. So I’m gonna push myself and try to deal with this as good as I can, I don’t know how just yet, but I’ll try my best.

I don’t know where I was going with this post. I don’t think I ever do anyway and I’m starting to think that it doesn’t really matter? You know it’s just like my brain and my thoughts: messy, unorganized, chaotic.  

I’m not sure if I’ll post this because it kinda feels too personal? And I don’t know how I feel about that. However, I know I’m not the only one that has these thoughts. I know I’m not the only one that overthinks and goes through these things. So, if I feel thankful whenever a fellow blogger, friend, person, is brave enough to share some piece of their mind with others and I can see myself in that and feel less alone, why can’t I do the same? Why shouldn’t I share my thoughts in hopes that someone out there feels understood? That they are not the only ones feeling this way? 

So, if you’re reading this I guess it’s obvious that, after A LOT of thinking, I decided that it’d be a good idea to press publish and share this little 1am ramble. Hope that if you feel this way and you’re constantly battling against your thoughts and going over everything, you feel a little bit better after reading this. Please know that you will get through it and that you are certainly not alone.
Hope you have a good week.
Love, Anna

4 comments

  1. Thank you for sharing your personal thoughts! I overthink things a lot too. When I was in school before i graduated I had a lot of group presentations as well, I had so many I can't remember if I had multiple ones a day but it is a headache working with people in groups, that I do remember, hang in there!

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    1. It's the worst isn't it! And aw thank you so much!!
      Anna x

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  2. I'm sending you the biggest hug. I know this might not help much when it feels like you are surrounded by people who don't seem to get it, but you truly aren't alone. What you described is something I can relate to so so much, and I'm pretty sure more people than we might think can, too. For example, there was this guy in my class who was always talking the most during lessons and seemed super confident (which I think he was) but he once told me that he gets super nervous about presentations, too. Now I know getting nervous & feeling anxious isn't the same thing, what I'm trying to say though is that I feel like we all struggle with overthinking to some degree, some are just better at hiding it than others maybe. I mean sure, there probably are people who don't worry about the impression they are making, but I've realised that comparing yourself to them and wondering why you can't be like that doesn't help at all. Your feelings are valid & matter. Don't let anyone make you feel like they don't. If you ever feel like talking to someone who gets it, I'm just a DM away. Much love & the best of luck for your presentations. YOU GT THIS. I BELIEVE IN YOU <3

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    1. Thank you so so so much for this. It does help, a lot. Yeah, I think it's true that we tend to compare ourselves to others and it really doesn't do any good. I'll try to keep your advice in mind from now on. Thank you for taking your time to answer and reassuring me. Hope you're well!
      Anna x

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